Just So We Are Clear/Reconsider

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing, I was thinking of how sweet it is going to be today. I was thinking of how I was going to tell you about my very recent weird allergic reaction. Of how I was gonna by beer(you know I love that), watch the cricket and catch up with you, I was eager to hear about your health and how you were doing with the recent death in your life. In short, I just couldn’t wait. I ran every scenario of what was going to happen between us, amping myself up. I was excited.

I went out early, got a phone(not the kind that connects to the internet),bought groceries, got beer, payed my internet(bought data) and hurried back. First thing I did was put on the TV, the second thing was eat, the third was connect again to the internet because I have been offline for over a week now. Yes, I did log in a day or two ago, for a second, by chance and I was cut off again.

I write this as the only way I can see to deal with this just having discovered you have blocked me, and I guess now I know how you must have felt the last couple of days or more when you messaged me and I wasn’t responding. It hurt you and you felt rejected and for that I am sorry. You probably think that was proof that I don’t think/care about you, that I didn’t want you in my life or that I didn’t appreciate you and that is why I was ghosting you. It hurts me to think that you might have thought that, what hurts me more is when I think of what I would think if I was in your shoes. Your mind went straight to rejection/dis-ingenuousness/selflessness, while if I was in your shoes I would have thought that something horrible happened to you, that is why you weren’t online or you did something to yourself that I won’ even say here.

It may very well be the case that you did decide to do something, and that is why you erased yourself from my life. If that is the case I guess this entire post is in vain, and it breaks my heart that I will never know for sure which one is it.

Because, M, we connected and regardless of what you might have felt or what happened between us, you mattered to me and you still do.

I didn’t take the time to edit this, or polish it, I just find out now what you did. And this is the only way I thought I had a little chance to reach you.

I am still here where you left me.


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